The Sprint customer service rep chuckles and says, “If you were here any longer, we would give you a shirt and an IRA.”

I smile, but I am tired, irritated, and ready to defect to Verizon.

I spent about three hours in the Sprint store on the day Gertrude ate my phone. The plan was to pop up to the Roseville Sprint store during my lunch break, buy the phone, and drive back to school for Family Law.

I had insurance, so a replacement phone would only cost $50. How long could it take?

I make it to the store and a hunky Sprint customer service rep tells me that the $50 replacement plan includes an upgrade to a Blackberry.

I have never owned a phone with internet access before, so this is exciting! I can finally play foursquare! It’s a whole new world, and not in that scary-Alice-in-Wonderland, “What the hell is that cat?” sort of way.

Hunky leads me to the Blackberries and I feel like doing an Ashlee jig.

Two hours later, the Blackberry is not exciting anymore. I am STILL in the Sprint store and the hunky Sprint rep is no longer hunky. He is now short, balding, incompetent, and officially renamed “Hank.”

It takes Hank 20 minutes to realize that the first Blackberry he showed me (the $50 one) doesn’t work with my phone plan. Fail. Hank then convinces me to buy a generic-PDA, also $50, but subsequently realizes (oh, just kidding!) the generic-PDA is not in stock. Epic fail.

Finally, Hank suggests the Blackberry Tour, which is older than the first Blackberry he showed me, and $100 more expensive. I am tired, late for Family law, and just want to leave so I agree to the older, more expensive phone.

I then watch Hank spend a half hour trying to set up the Blackberry.

Hank gets frustrated and has to call a tech support line… then something still isn’t right so he calls them again… then the internet on the phone doesn’t work…and, and, and. The customer service at the Sprint store makes health care reform look like a scene from Crank.

Once we hit the two hour mark, Hank sends me off with the Blackberry. The internet doesn’t work yet, but he says it should magically pop-on at any moment. If not, then call him.

So after my Family Law class I call Hank because (surprise!) the internet does not work. Hank tells me how to refresh the phone’s settings, which doesn’t work, so I drive back to Roseville (which isn’t terribly close to school) and waste another hour watching yet another customer service rep fiddle with my overpriced-yet-not-working phone.

The new rep gets frustrated. He calls the Sprint tech support line. He fiddles with phone. Reboots it. Looks into the distance… and then finally gives up, reformats the phone, and it worked!

New Rep: “Sorry it took so long!”
Hank: “Yeah, you spent like all day here!”
Me: “Erm…I guess the bright side is that I missed rush hour…”

Right.

But I finally have a functioning Crackberry. Behold:

I barely know how to use it, but I like it. This is the start of something dangerous wonderful.